Twinsanity

People always share with us how lucky we are to have twins. Lucky. Sure, some days I do have moments when I’ll feel that way and think, “Man, am I ever glad I only had to be pregnant once.” But, I know when people say this they see it as a blessing that we were gifted with two healthy, beautiful babies. Especially when so many families suffer through trying to conceive. My heart goes out to those couples.

HOWEVER, when you’re a new mom and are riddled with fear of caring for ONE infant, two bundles of joy makes you feel everything BUT lucky.

From the moment we came home from the hospital, the chaos began.

DAY 1
One baby: Cries when hungry, poopy, tired, and uncomfortable.
Solution: Feed, change, swaddle, and adjust.
Solution with twins: Oh god, it’s 3 am and the other one JUST went to sleep and now this one is crying and waking the other up. Fuck go back to sleep. They will never sleep and we will never sleep and we’re all overtired and is it too late to give one back!?!?!

DAY 21
One baby: 4 am and wants to eat.
Solution: Warm bottle or whip out nip, hold baby and support head, pop nipple in mouth and both fall asleep peacefully together.
Solution with twins: Both babies wake at the same time and are hangry. Spouse is at work and you still haven’t figured out how to feed both babies at once because damn those wobbly heads and fuck they’re both crying at the same time and I’ve only slept 1 hour from the last time I fed you whyyyy do you eat so much thank god I decided not to breastfeed and so let’s feed one at a time while the other one cries and cries and the crying never. Ever. Stops. EVER.

DAY 22
BREAKDOWN.

DAY 41
One baby: Getting out of the house by yourself.
Solution: Dress baby, put it in the car seat, and carry it outside to the car or stroller.
Solution with twins: THIS. DOES. NOT. HAPPEN. Well if I’m being honest, you do exactly as you would with baby one, but spending double the amount of time and adding triple the anxiety.

DAY 198
One baby: Feeding them solid foods.
Solution: Sit baby in a feeding chair and give them one bite at a time.
Solution with twins: Prepare breakfast while praying that this round goes well. Have pacifiers on hand. Dig deep into your core to find what little patience you have left on reserve. Inhale. Exhale. Put bite into one baby’s mouth. Cue screams from second baby. Pop pacifier into second baby’s face. Give bite to second baby. Cue screams from first baby. Pop pacifier into first baby’s blow-hole. Repeat for 98 more bites (if no tantrums erupt). Finish food, wipe hands and faces, cry. Mentally prepare for Round 2: Dinner.

DAY 241
One baby: Crawling around and exploring their new home.
Solution: Follow baby carefully.
Solution with twins. One is carefully followed while the other one burns hand, gets shocked, or ends up under a bookshelf.

KIDDING! But furreal, both can’t be set loose at the same time if you’re working alone. They’re like little puppies, but instead of chewing on shoes, they’re chewing on your hair and each other.

When people stop us on the street or in a mall, we always hear, “Oh, double the trouble!”, “Two for the price of one, hey?!”, or my fave, “You’ve got your hands full!” and boy do I know it! Their comments couldn’t me more true, or annoying.

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